Getting drunk doesn’t hold the same appeal to me that it once did. Not right now. It doesn’t seem to work. I just ache and get sleepy. It’s depressing. How am I supposed to self-medicate when the medicine only adds to the misery?
Musette and I got beers from the Millennial Market. It was one of the only places that was open. I figure the people that run it live above it. We bought a lot of junk food too. I’m sure it doesn’t add to my overall happiness. Maybe if I ate better, the alcohol would have a nicer effect on me. I’m getting high on food, which disgusts me. The side effects are the ones that I find least attractive. Diabetes and weight. It hasn’t hit me yet. I’m knocking on wood, praying that it never does.
The whole time we were out there trudging through the snow, I am grumpy. I’ve become such a negative force within this relationship. It’s so hard to keep fighting constantly even though I know that I’ve got the hand of the princess of princesses in mine. Every move hurts. It feels like college again. It feels the way it’s felt my whole life. Maybe I already have diabetes. Maybe I’ve had it for a while now.
I just want to masturbate, vape, and feel like I’m doing something worthwhile. I’ll even cut the vaping, just help me find the pilot light. Cutting out the signal on my game is not enough. I’m lacking the motivation. I’m lacking spirit.