I dream of the baby. Crying in the subway. Room to the side of the station with blue carpet. Legs up by her face. Unfurling her, and holding off her tears, as I pull her to my chest. She is wearing a little outfit with a yellow hat that my father in law gave to us. The hat cost fifty cents.

Yesterday, Musette trimmed my beard, shaping my face. I fought her because she was sitting in front of the tv. That night I had been lying on top of her stomach because she had been looking for a way to keep me from lying on my back. When I lie on my back I snore. If I keep snoring it is going to keep the baby up. None of us will get any sleep, and if the baby doesn’t get any sleep, it will die.

With everything going as well as it has been, it’s hard to imagine anything going wrong, but Musette did switch over to a midwife, or better shall I say “the midwives” because there are a whole bunch of them, like twelve, that a person might end up seeing. I guess that they kind of circulate around the hospitals. And then of course I’m going to rebut by saying to myself, why are you guessing? Aren’t you supposed to know this kind of thing? Isn’t that why we come to you, our writer, to get the answers to these pressing life questions? There aren’t a ton of people on twitter who have had babies. But just remember that your body was made for this, says pretty much every doctor that we’ve gone to see so far. But damn dude, that obgyn was beautiful, and she was all set to do a swab of Musette’s pussy and anus before we switched over to the midwives. It would have been the first time that a doctor had seen my wife’s hemorrhoids. I’m finding it hard not to think that that’s going to throw everything off. There’s no way to give birth in her condition. Her asshole is already halfway out of her body. Midwives aren’t able to perform surgery, so if she needs a c-section, there’s a high chance that the hot doctor will be called in. I imagine her cutting Musette down the middle, ripping the pest out, and being like “we are the ones who deliver, and don’t ever challenge us again.”


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