One long eyebrow, jutting from your face. I’ve got a special place in heaven for those who resemble me. It must be the genes though, because not everybody can hold onto those feelings. They’re fun to be around for a time, but once you’ve drained them of their vitality, they become husks of humanity, wasted upon the stage, anchored to the television, the heels of their feet, brittle and cracked. Their face never looking as good in photographs as they were hoping for. Pain in the gut. Bloodshot eyes. Sleeping through the crying coming from the bassinet. Not taking the dog out even though he’s standing there, staring at me, his hind legs shaking, full of piss, his butthole clenched, full of poo.
damnit, man – we lost everything. The whole world we created, pretty much. It’s not one of those fights where the loser is the victor, but it is one where the winner also loses.
I just want to kill this baby so bad sometimes… the sound of her hiccups makes me want to slap her repeatedly, the way her eyes are looking up into mine at six in the morning. All I can think is go the f to sleep. I want to pound her into the floor. I want to grind her into a frying pan.
My old life is calling, telling me that it is never going to call again. It has new friends, younger friends, it is done with me, and there is no point in trying. I have to accept my fate. I have to bow down and submit to it. Fighting it will only make things worse for me. I am captivated by it. I am through a door that I am now too big to fit back out of.
it’s a dichotomy. You’re doing everything you can to keep her from dying. You’re so worried about getting through the sids phase and stuff, that you want to kill her, not to get it over with, but really just because you want to bash your head against the wall, the cowards way, those who don’t commit suicide, but even that, now, the trap so set and taught, that my own death is a grave disaster upon another’s life, the life of my child, my wife. I don’t have life insurance at the moment, but suicide voids it out even should I have it. It gets you understanding these true natures of sin and what is the image of The Lord, it’s personification, the promise of a heaven, are trying to protect you from, what this creature is at its roots and naked like.