It’s me. I’m the one. Gotta get this apartment clean, and I’ve got to stop smoking the schmiggy. I tried yesterday, and then I failed after work, and right now, here, as I’m sitting and talking to you, the porch is looking very appealing. I’ve got a long day ahead of me. My coworkers are already at the office. It’s a skeleton crew. I’m going later. Two hours and a half from now. There’s an event tonight. The first poet laureate of Utah and the woman who approached us about having the event. I’m slated to work. This is the event that was supposed to be at the local diner. It’s been a shit show from the get go. It would be nice if I could just take a nap.

What time are you going on your lunch today, asks Musette, and I tell her that I don’t know. You might have to take the car and pick me up after work.

She hates that. Once she’s home, she likes to stay home. Once her clothes come off, they don’t go back on. She’s naked most of the time. She’s naked before I even sit down. It becomes my responsibility to take the dog out. It’s one of the few things that I’m good for. That and doing the dishes. I am up, however, for cleaning the bathroom. Musette usually does it, but she’s pregnant and upset with me for constantly making a mess. She doesn’t think that I try to be tidy just because I don’t hold onto my penis when I pee. I tell her that it’s not necessary, but she thinks that the proof is in the pudding. The Squatty Potty is speckled with my crusty driblets.

It’s all about pulling it off, I say. It’s hard to get my penis back into my pants without making a mess. If I’m lucky, there’s a wet spot in my underwear; If I’m unlucky, I make a mess of the rim and floor.

I don’t want anymore excuses, she says. Just clean up your act.  

I’m all for it, if only I could. I don’t want to be a dirty person. I want my life to be as clean as my art. A simple sort of minimalism, but my fingernails aren’t even clipped, and I’ve got to cut them. I can’t greet people like this, and if I don’t get my toenails clipped, then I’m going to have cuts on the insides of my toes.